All my life I wanted to be a writer. Not just a scribbler, or a newspaper reporter but a real novelist along the lines of a Heinlein or Dorothy Parker. But when your own insecurities are the demons that laugh at you in the cold hours of night, sometimes it is best to let the dreams sit for a while; and so I did. I went to college, got a job, got married, had children - all the things society claims will make us happy and fulfilled. But they were wrong.
Sure, you might think everything is alright but deep inside there is a piece of you screaming for recognition. Then one day you decide to give in to the whisper and see what happens. That's what I did when my oldest went to college. With a sudden empty spot in my head, freed up from the constant worry that accompanies a son who seemed at time determined to do the exact opposite of what he was told regardless of the side effects, I decided the time had come to put the stories to paper.
When I completed the first draft of my debut novel, "Catalyst - Guardian Rising", I did what any new author might do - starting looking into getting published. I had two reasons in mind: first of all to become rich and famous (lol) and second, more important to me, to have someone tell me I knew what I was doing. To hear that accolade would mean the world to the deeply insecure person that is me. The first editor I sent a sample for a paid analysis told me yes, I do have a knack for the craft. I will forever be in his debt for all the assistance and suggestions he has given over the past three years.
I stand in awe of published writers. Having completed two full length novels in less than three years while working a full time job, raising a family, and working with rescued horses - has left me a little exhausted. Slowly I feel my creative thoughts starting to fire again, but I don't intend to push it. The story is there, I just have to coax the characters to share it with me.
This is my first post of a monthly Blog Hog, sponsored by The Insecure Writer's Support Group, and I must confess this is a group I am excited to join. My deepest confession of this first month of the New Year is this: Now that I have written the books, where do I go from here? Promotions? Writer Groups? Do I need an agent or keep going it alone? Am I making the best use of my scarce free time? Do I still know what I am doing?
I look forward to this New Year with deep enthusiasm and a renewed commitment to the craft, and I look forward to more Blog Hops with the IWSG.
I grew from a lanky, awkward, skinny
girl into a tall, well-muscled, and fit teenager; I was five-seven and no
longer looked like a scarecrow. Soon after I arrived, the rest of my body began
to fill in, and the angles finally rounded out into curves. By the time of my
sixteenth birthday, even Uncle Alastyre had to admit my beauty exceeded the
wildest imagination and hopes.
My hair, of course, was still silver,
with some darker streaks underneath and my eyes were still odd, switching from
purple to gray randomly. The druids were working on a theory as to their
strange origin. The most accepted was, because there are so many members of my
family on both sides with varying strong talents, the eyes were a blending of
the potential powers with which I was born. Once I declared which art I would
dedicate myself to study, the other colors would depart, leaving me with the
one traditional color. They had been working on this theory for four years, and
my eyes were still multicolored. Just another oddity.
Once I began to grow into my body,
my skills as a Warrior began to improve. Theirran kept his promise to work with
me when he was at the Fortress, which became more frequent as I grew older,
stronger, and more competent. Occasionally, he would tell me what was going on
with his family, except for Devon; what he didn’t tell me, I would gather from
his mind without his consent. It was wrong, but I needed the knowledge to keep
some semblance of sanity.
From Theirran’s memories, I discovered after
the three brothers left us that cold winter morning on the road to the
Fortress, they chased down leads and trails for months. Der and Theirran had
broken off the chase and returned to the Northerns before the winter snows
closed off all roads until spring. Devon continued the chase off and on for
three years, stopping at the Citadel or Der’s home when he was in the vicinity.
I never once directly asked about Devon, but I always knew in my head and heart
where he was. Perhaps our detractors were right to keep us so far apart. Though
he was never close enough to test me, I knew inside the marrow of my bones I
would have run away with him. But for whatever reason, Devon never came to the
Fortress or its surrounding areas while I was there, not until the spring after
my sixteenth birthday.
That spring was glorious. My studies
were going so well in Mysticism and Healing I had been given time off to concentrate
on War Craft. While I was beginning to excel in fencing and tactical strategy,
I had proven myself to be horrible at scouting and worse at tracking. A large
bear could walk right in front of me for miles and I would miss the signs. So I
was given extra assignments to learn where the processing errors kept
happening. My fellow students tried to help me, but there was only so much they
or anyone could do. I was, in a word, hopeless.
On this particular day, two of us
had been assigned to check out a small lake, nestled in a valley near the
border between the Western Kingdom and the Fortress territory. Several druid
Warriors had been sent out three days previously and we were supposed to track
them from the Fortress to their final destination, which only the Warriors
knew. A blind hunt, they called it. The ability to track down a person after
accidentally crossing a trail was one of the more advanced skills. So far, I
was no better than average.
Sauk, my partner, was son of the
Torran, ruler of the Southern Territory, and his talent lay in War Craft. The
exercise mainly was for his training; soon he would be leaving the Fortress to
return home, but he volunteered to try as a tutor to improve my tracking
scores. I was grateful for his assistance and attention, because he was one of
the best-looking students at the Fortress, as well as an excellent tracker.
Sauk was tall, taller than me, with
jet-black hair, dark, black-brown eyes and skin the warm tan so prevalent among
those who lived in the Southern Territory. When he smiled, which was often, the
cutest little dimples appeared on his cheeks. Just as any woman who met him, I
had a huge crush and felt
a little nervous knowing we would be out on the trail together for at least
three days. But this was all about learning a difficult skill, not a dating
game, so I was sure he would be a gentleman. Southerners were always gracious.
There was a rumor in the Fortress that
Sauk became the crown prince under a cloud of suspicion. His older brother died
in a hunting accident; some whispered it had been Sauk’s arrow that had slain
him. I remembered from political lessons with my father hearing the Torran
wasn’t happy with Sauk but had no other son to inherit the throne. But when you
were in Sauk’s presence, it was easy to forget any questions once you looked
into those deep black eyes. They were mesmerizing yet vaguely unsettling.
When we reached the lake, things
became interesting from the very beginning. First, we ran across two different
trails. That was a bit of a surprise, marking two trails would not have been
part of the druid’s exercise. After much debate, we decided each of us would
take a trail for a short way, and then meet to decide which was the main trail
and which a decoy. It was a sound plan, using the rules spelled out for novice
trackers. Before we split, Sauk rode up close, facing me. Removing his helmet,
he shook his hair and looked at the sky and the darkening clouds rolling in.
“Listen, Vivienne, if it starts to
rain before we meet, just remember to follow that western mountain ridge back
to this point. The trail you are going to be following lies almost due east, so
heading back toward the ridge should bring you straight back to the lake,
okay?”
I took a deep breath. “Okay.”
He smiled his brilliant smile.
“That’s the spirit. You’ll be fine. If you run into anything you cannot handle,
just scream. I’m sure I can find you.”
“Ha, ha, ha. You think there is
something out here that I can’t handle? I do have some skills in other areas;
you might be wise to remember. Maybe you should scream if you run
into anything.”
Sauk smiled again. “Deal.”
That’s when the other interesting thing
happened. Before I could put my helmet on, Sauk leaned over and grasped my
wrist. I looked at him with one eyebrow raised. He had already turned nineteen.
This made him three years older, a fact which made my heart race more whenever
I thought about him. Several of the other, older female acolytes had been
romantically linked to Sauk, and their stories were pure adolescent raging
hormonal drivel, fascinating and slightly terrifying to those of us who were
considered pious or chaste. But just the look in his eyes was making my heart
pound crazy rhythms all on its own. He had magnetic charisma.
His eyes still locked on mine, he bent
down and kissed me, gently at first, then with more assurance as I began
kissing him back. It was a wonderful sensation, his soft lips against mine, his
hand behind my head, fingers entwined in my hair. Sparked with electricity from
an internal generator, my hormone system went into overdrive. I might be a
princess and a freak, but inside I was a sixteen-year-old girl with screaming
puberty angst. At any moment I could have burst into full flame and charred us
both into dust. I began breathing a little too heavily. Then, as suddenly as it
began, Sauk pulled away, a strange, superior expression in his dark eyes.
“See you later,” he promised, then
replaced his helmet and rode away down the chosen trail, laughter ringing out
behind him. Shaking the cobwebs out of my brain, I headed down the other track.
My body didn’t feel heavy enough to stay in the saddle. While it hadn’t been
the romantic swoon some of the other girls professed to have experienced, it
was still my first kiss and Sauk was extremely handsome. But I needed to get
down to business or I was going to fail this task in magnificent fashion. To
make sure I didn’t miss anything vital here in the open field, I dismounted
Shae and began to walk the trail, watching the bent blades of grass as best I
could. Before I could get too far, I heard a voice very close at hand, a voice
I hadn’t expected or heard from in many a year.
“Well, that was uncalled for, don’t
you think?”
I stood up from my crouched position
so fast the world spun for a moment. Devon leaned against a large oak tree just
ahead at a small bend on the trail. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he
was the one who made the second, yet more defined trail. I was so surprised to
see him I completely forgot the strained circumstances under which we had last
seen each other.
We stood face-to-face without
touching for what seemed an eternity, each one studying the other, noticing the
changes brought about during these long years spent apart. I knew what he saw
when looking at me. No longer was I the shy, under-confident, awkward
twelve-year-old he had left behind in the snow that horrible winter morning. I
was taller, filled out in all the right places. I was strong, lithe, and
poised. I would say I had become a self-assured and beautiful woman.
For his part, nothing much had
changed. Devon was still the best-looking man I had ever laid eyes on — even
including the boy who had just given me my first kiss. Devon’s eyes were that
deep, clear green I remembered so well, with a few more lines at the corners.
There were also more lines between his eyes and around his mouth, as though he
were more accustomed to frowning than smiling. His boots and cloak were
mud-spattered and stained, worn by one who had traveled a long way very
quickly. While I stared in wide-eyed amazement, he graced me with one of those
perfect smiles, the one that reached down into my soul and reminded me of
sunshine. He cocked his head and held his arms open wide, an invitation I never
could resist.
“Oh my God, Devon!” It was difficult
to hear my voice, seeing as how my face was pressed against his chest. Even
though I was taller than the twelve-year-old I used to be, he was taller still.
“Why are you here? Is everything okay?” My happiness suddenly vanished as I
thought of all the reasons, none of them good, why he could be here. I leaned
back in fright. “Is something wrong with my father? With your family?”
“Calm down and don’t worry.
Everything is fine, I promise. I was simply in the area and saw you and your
‘partner’. I decided to hang around and see how you were doing. I heard through
the wind you aren’t having much luck tracking. Then I saw him take advantage of
the remote and secluded location, and I waited around to see if you needed me
to straighten him out. But obviously I was mistaken. You didn’t even notice me
until I spoke.” Devon’s voice cracked ever so slightly. If my senses hadn’t
been on alert from the tracking exercise, I doubt I would have noticed it. “Is
he someone important to you?” The attempted off-hand way he asked let me know
he was concerned.
“No, not really.” I replied with a
full-on blush spreading from the top of my head down to my toes. “Sauk is about
to leave and return to the Torran to assume his duties as the crown prince. He
volunteered to help me with some tracking practice. Because I really do stink
at tracking. This is the first time he has even expressed any interest in me, other than as a tracking partner.
Until today, I wasn’t even sure he knew my name.”
Devon snorted. “Tracking partner.
Right. Trust me, Vivi; his thoughts have been geared toward a different sort of
partnership, I’m sure of it. He wouldn’t be human if he wasn’t.” He rubbed his
hand across his face. I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed at having seen Sauk
kiss me or if he was extremely cross.
“Devon, stop it. It was just a
kiss.” I wasn’t sure what exactly he was so upset about.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Did you?” The look on Devon’s face was
priceless, part innocent but mostly obnoxious.
“Did I what?”
“Enjoy it?”
His attitude was beginning to make
me angry. “I don’t know. I mean, not that this is any of your business, and I
have no idea why I am telling you this, but I have nothing to compare his kiss
against. That was my first kiss. Ever.”
He leaned over closer so he could
look straight into my eyes. “That was your first kiss?” I could feel his soft
breath against my skin, that warm, delicious, musk fragrance that was all him.
I always associated it with safety and love. He was easily overpowering my
already shaky senses. “I guess you kissing me good-bye so long ago didn’t
count?”
“No, I don’t count that as a
real kiss; I was only twelve. For all it should concern you, yes, this was my
first real kiss.” I knew I was beet red from head to toe, but I refused to look
away. I wanted him to see me, not my embarrassment. After all, I wasn’t a child
anymore.
We stood there looking at each other
for one long heartbeat. Suddenly, my brain was not controlling my body; my
raging hormones were. Their actions were not those I would have taken if I were
in my right mind. But because I wasn’t, I plowed ahead full steam, looking at
him with a curious expression on my face.
Devon frowned at me. “I know that
look. You want something. Go ahead, spit it out.”
“Do you want to kiss me? Give me
something to compare with? Or is that why you’re so angry? Are you jealous
because someone else got there first?” If he was going to play, then so was I.
His face went blank. “No, I am not
jealous. You see, I know who wins in the end. But right now, I don’t think
kissing you would be a very good idea for either of us.”
“Why not? You know we both want you
to.”
Devon took several slow, deep
breaths before answering me. “Do you remember what Der said on that last day?
About you and me and our inability to separate? I’m really testing the waters
here, hoping that in the morning when you are ready to leave and return to the
Fortress for the remaining three years, I won’t follow you or try to stop you.
I’ve become stronger, more in control over these past years we’ve been apart,
but I still don’t want to push it.”
I thought about that for a minute.
“I can respect that. In the meantime, I’m really sorry. I don’t want to hurt
you more. I won’t push you. But I really would like to kiss you, someday.” I smiled
broadly to let him see the honesty I was trying to convey.
He smiled in return, brushing my
hair back with his right hand. “Don’t worry about it. Our someday will come
along, as we both know. Vivienne, I decided long ago to stop fighting against
fate, to follow the course set out for us, take whatever comes as it comes and
to always remember that I’m sixteen years older than you. Each year the
emotional gap between us gets smaller. I know you aren’t ready for what my
heart desires, but one day you will be. Our time will come; it’s just our
clocks aren’t running together yet.”
“I know.” As soon as I said the
words, I knew this man and I were meant to be together forever. Whether by
magic or fate, we were paired and there could be no other person for either of
us. We had to wait for me to turn nineteen before Devon would touch me in any
way remotely intimate, or at least my brain knew this. At that moment, however,
my body would have gladly sold the rest of me out for just a little more time
alone. “What difference can it make? If we are meant to be, surely there can’t
be any harm …?”
“You say that now, but what about
when I die and leave you alone, young and widowed? Devon said it with a slight
smile on his face, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Or you decide to run
off with some handsome prince closer in age?”
“But the dreams show that we are
fated to marry.”
“Are you having more dreams?” Devon
was instantly on alert to either talk with me or do damage control. With my
temper, you never knew which to prepare to handle.
Frowning, I nodded. I hadn’t meant
to say anything about the dreams and I didn’t want to change the subject.
“What have you seen?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Probably not. On the one hand, I
need to know if we are still having the same dreams. To see if the physical
separation has changed anything or if we are still linked. But at the same
time, there are things I don’t know how to discuss with you.”
“You figure prominently in many of
them, Devon, if that helps. By the way, when did you get that new scar on your
left hip?” I tried to keep a straight face but I think I failed miserably.
Devon winced as though I had hit
him. “That’s what I was afraid of. You’ve had the dream …”
The blush I’d had just moments
before came back with a vengeance. “Yes, I’ve had it. Rather vivid, actually. I
usually have that dream around the full moon every month. I’ve grown to use it
as a predictor for … other reasons.”
Devon rubbed his hands across his
face, walked away, and began to pace, back and forth across the grass between
the lake and the tree. It was to cover his embarrassment; this time I was sure.
It seemed strange to have things we could not talk about openly the way we did
before. The whole dynamic of our relationship had changed, and I knew why. I
was no longer a little girl. I was grown, closer in physical image to the
Vivienne he had been fantasizing about since that bizarre day. I had been using
some of my spare thought to process how this would affect Devon ever since the first
time I experienced the dream in exquisite detail. It had to be hard for him to
stand there and see me but not be with me.
I watched him struggle with the
knowledge I also saw the pictures which disturbed him most, and tears sprang to
my eyes. To keep him from noticing, I turned my back, pretending to study the
trail that had led me to him. But apparently I was not very good at hiding my
emotions. Especially not from Devon, not now that we had finally, to a degree,
both acknowledged what had never been said or thought before: our futures were
braided together, intricately woven in a pattern tighter than fabric.
Everything seemed to be falling into place, but I wanted to pull Devon back to
the present, keep him there with me beside the lake for a while longer. I was
needy, but I didn’t care. He may have gotten stronger, but I hadn’t.
“Devon, stay here tonight? I mean,
Sauk will be here also, so it’s not like we would be alone. And hopefully
having you around will keep his mind and hands where they should be. I don’t
know if I could fight off too persistent a suitor, if you know what I mean.
Right now my mind and body are not on speaking terms.”
He stopped the pacing and looked at
me with a thoughtful expression. It occurred to me reminding him we were not out
here alone might not have been the best idea, given his earlier reaction to
Sauk. Suddenly, he smiled at me with undoubtedly the coldest, most sarcastic
smile he could summon, just as one might see on a cat that has swallowed a
bird. He tilted his head to the west; we could both hear Sauk riding hard in
our direction. Cocking his head toward the sound, I heard Devon whisper under
his breath, “That might not be such a bad idea.” I rolled my eyes. This was
going to be a long night.
