Winter Whimsy

February is one of my weird months. Things either go really well or really bad. There never is any between. This year has been no exception.

The Winter Olympics are on. I must confess I was a little disappointed in the Opening Ceremonies. Perhaps I was expecting more from a technologically forward country like Korea but it was underwhelming.

My darling daughter, after twenty years in the home, is moving out. An empty nest awaits me and I must confess I am excited for the challenge.

I participated this winter in a tradition which dates back to when I attended college. That is the magic of no-shave winter. That's right, I didn't shave my legs since November. We did this in school as we were all female and it was a bonding experience in our freshman year that turned into a liberating statement for all of us.

That being said, the weather here has been approaching springtime temperatures, and I wanted to be ready for the change of season. Which meant breaking out the shaving creme and a new razor. So that chore is done and now I'm headed to the Walmart for some Drano. Oh well, at least my legs look fabulous as I go.

I've made the decision to go back to school a reality and need to go take the placement tests soon. A new direction for my life, and I'm finding myself excited for some writing I've been doing.

I'm learning anew that life is a journey, and I shouldn't be so eager to race for the finish line. There's still a lot of time left in my dash, and I need to embrace each moment instead of always searching for the next one. It is nice to learn new tricks as I grow up.

True confessions time: I found myself involved in writing fan fiction (I know, right?!) and it's awakened a new spirit of creativity that has been boundless. So far, I am like 100K words on this piece and only now see an ending. I'll never earn a dime from this, but I'm really proud of the work. I hope to carry this over into my real work writing and kick some writer's block ass on the three stories I have in various stages of development.

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Time to Change the Road You're On

As a child, in my mind, when I pictured the change from one year to another, it presented to me visually as climbing back up a steep hill from December to January. It's odd, I know, but I've always been a visual person. It also gives me a chance to reflect on where I am, where I'm going, and what is meant to be.

Last year, in my personal opinion, was probably the worst year of my life since I was in my late twenties. There is not one aspect of my life that hasn't blown apart in the last 365 days. To say that my sense of self-worth is low would be overstating low. I have none. I don't even feel strong enough to go out and pursue a new direction.

But that doesn't move me forward. or sideways, or even backwards. It just keeps me stuck. Joyce Meyer says that frustration is a sign that I am acting independently, apart from the design the Creator has for my life. So I am watching myself carefully for that sense of not belonging to my own skin. Cocooning away from irritations in my real world in order to put my internal strife into place, I find a small growing kernel of self taking shape where previously there was only dissatisfaction with my own actions.

I have resentments I have carried for years still hanging on my shoulders, old friends I cannot seem to separate from on this journey toward peace. My heart pleads 'Some day', while my head screams 'Never', and I understand regret.

I've allowed hurts, real and imagined, to take root where previously only trust and confidence grew, and I stagger through the weight of failure and I understand my weakness.

But perhaps worst of all, to protect those I love, I tried to take it all on me, and forgot that this life is a shared voyage. I became the martyr I always swore again and I understand now what breaking truly costs.

It's time to stop, drop, and roll. We only have one shot through this life, and regrets are anchors pulling my soul to inaction. I cannot stay in this morass and I cannot find my way through, so I spend hours wondering. It's no way to live. It's time to once again learn to breathe in the air of acceptance and return to who I am, stop trying to ignore the truth of what comprises me.

Once, as a teenager, my father stopped me in a hallway to tell me I was the one of his children most like himself, and that he pitied the journey that would take me on. How sad that it has taken me forty years to understand the wisdom of those words. As a teen, it filled me with pride to be compared to my father, who I idolized. It's only as I look back that I realize the curse of being who we are.

When you can see the truth of a person, how to you reconcile their actions?

So I have decided this year to search for the woman who has somehow gotten left behind in all of this upheaval. The one who knew her own mind and had dreams she wanted to chase. through addictions, and rejections, and loss and growth, the one who at the heart of it all only wants to be loved. I do not know where this road will lead, nor am I particularly afraid. At the end of things, it is only myself that I am chasing, not an unknown enemy. Who knows better than I the distractions I can throw to keep from success?

As a child I often found myself hiding in the back of closets and under the bed, trying to hid but from what I never knew. How sad it is now to figure out the person I was hiding from was myself.