Anticipation...

Stinks!

Well, I still have three publishers I have not heard from to date. Of course, they say in their guidelines they have three to six months to make a decision. Does that help my blood pressure? Not a bit, but until I have a 'no' in hand, I assume all of them will be 'yes'. But I have already decided the easy part of writing a book is the actual writing. That's not what my editor says, but it's how I feel at this moment.

I've been spending some time on the new book, finishing the rough, beginning to flesh out the story and finalizing names, location names, etc. This is the phase I like the best. Who are these people clamoring inside my head going to become? What are their stories? Can I do them justice?

Creating stories in my head is a pastime I have enjoyed my whole life. If I didn't have to work for a living, I would spend my days writing non-stop. It is nice to have the voices inside my head, they tell me some fascinating things. They have kept me company on many dark nights. But, at least they aren't crazy voices.

Doesn't mean that some of the stories they tell me haven't sounded crazy. Believe it or not, when I was fifteen I had a story in my head for an assassin trying to kill the President during the Inauguration. About twenty some odd years later, it was a movie.

I've always read a lot. One summer I spent reading nothing by Russian novelists. Of course, it only took about two chapters of Anna Karenina for me to decide Russian novels are depressing! But I made the choice and stuck with it, even though I thought I might kill myself before the summer was over.

Another summer I read only books by Robert Heinlein. Then books by Arthur C. Clarke were another project. One thing has always been foremost in my mind.

"These people have the same crazy voices in their heads as I have in mine."

Believe it or not, that's a very comforting idea. When I was a child, I was always scared to tell my mother I heard stories in my head. I was afraid she would think me insane. I have often wondered if any of my writing heroes had the same fears.

Writing these blogs is helping me conquer another of my deepest fears - public rejection. I have never had a really strong sense of self worth. I am painfully shy, a point which many people in my life have mistaken for bitchiness. I don't take criticism very well, see above 'no sense of self worth'. I march to my own beat, then try to disguise that beat so it appears to be closer to what others follow.

So, why at the spry age of forty something did I decide to go against every self protective instinct I have ever had and throw out my story for others to read? Because I am a mother. I want both my children to go after their dreams and desires with full speed ahead. If I am afraid to take on my fears how can I teach my kids otherwise.

I have a plaque in my office, above my desk. It states, "If you are standing on thin ice, you might as well dance."

So this is me - dancing.